MOO 6: Hansel and Hansel?
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Month O' Oneshots 6! When Blaise and Seamus get lost in the woods, what happens when their story starts to seem suspiciously like the German tale of two kiddies lost in the woods? And what if the witch isn't nearly as bad as she seems? BlaiseSeamus


A/N: You know, I actually _like_ this oneshot. I think it's my favourite story so far. I could barely write this, I am so excited. Kat is sleeping over tomorrow and we're going to see PotC2! I can't wait! I will try to have an interesting story for you tomorrow. I may even try to coerce Kat into helping me with tomorrow's MOO. We shall see, we shall see. Sadly, I have to get up early tomorrow (later today,by now..) so I'll finish this bad boy up.

MOO: #6

Pairing: BlaiseSeamus. This is my second favourite Blaise pairing. These boys come a close second to BlaiseTheodore.

Dedication: For Remo Con. Thank you so much ofr updating The Game of Mab, I love you!

Disclaimer: The witch? Mine. Blaise, the cottage, the witch's couplet, the birds, the Forest, everything elseand Seamus? Not mine.

Warning: Language, suggestiveness. See how much you can spot! I put quite a lot in here, if you know where to look.

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Seamus Finnegan and Blaise Zabini were lost in the Forbidden Forest. Again. 

"You _moron_. This is entirely your fault, you _cretin_. I cannot believe I am stuck in the Forbidden Forest with you." Blaise sighed. "I would hang myself from a tree, but sadly my tie was _torn off_ by that…whatever it was Hagrid was showing us. I still can't believe that oaf made us leave our wands back at the castle." Seamus chose to ignore the slur against Hagrid at this point in time because he too was feeling rather resentful toward the half-giant.

"How is this my fault we're here? _You're_ the sodding git who said last week that flobberworms for sixth years was a stupid idea. This is totally your fault," shot back Seamus.

"Yes, but _you_ were the one who dragged me off to investigate that 'strange noise' you heard, instead of using your HEAD and remembering why the Forbidden Forest is dubbed thus. You Gryffindor _idiot_," Blaise groaned.

"Shutupshutupshutup I just heard something…" Seamus hissed.

"Fabulous. Perhaps it would care to eat me and put me out of my misery. We have been wandering in the woods for four hours! I have had nothing to eat except the spare bread crust I had from this afternoon. Oh look, _this_ clearing looks familiar. We've only been past it about ten times." Blaise ground his teeth. "Ugh. If we could just find the path, I'd be fine, I could get us back to the castle."

"At least you had your crust," Seamus said sourly.

"You didn't eat yours?" Blaise asked, incredulous. _Aww, I would have given you some of mine…_

"No, I dropped it behind us so we could find our way back. I'm not entirely stupid, you know."

"I am not going to even comment on that."

Twenty minutes later, the boys were still lost, but they saw a white bird sitting on a branch, looking at them and singing the sweetest song to be heard for miles.

"That bird has been watching us for ages," muttered Blaise out of the corner of his mouth.

Seamus threw a rock at it. "SOD OFF, EAGLE BAIT!"

Blaise raised an eyebrow. "'Eagle bait'? What's next, will you bite your thumb at it?"

Seamus glared. "Oh, yes, because _you_ were doing _so_ much."

"Well, you're pretty good at throwing, so maybe if we follow it we can kill it and eat it," mused Blaise.

"Agreed." Seamus looked much more cheerful.

The young men ran through the forest after the white bird until nightfall. They decided to stop and make 'camp' while they could still see. Blaise found a tree near a little stream for them to sleep in and Seamus found some strawberries at the base of the trunk. They climbed the tree and tried to get as comfortable as possible.

Suddenly, they found themselves covered with leaves. Blaise looked up as Seamus fell out of the tree in surprise.

"There are sodding _BIRDS_ dropping leaves on us, the bastards!" Blaise growled.

Needless to say, the boys got little sleep that night. The next morning they set out after the white bird again, rather grumpily. Every time they lost sight of it, the bird would circle back until they were able to catch up.

"That bird is going to taste so very, very good…" growled Blaise.

"I think it's leading us somewhere," noted Seamus. Indeed, the woods were getting thinner. Twice they had tried to stray from the path the bird was leading them on and the first time came across a musky den with a unicorn carcass in front and snoring within. The second time they had narrowly avoided a centaur brawl that was tearing up an entire clearing. Seamus and Blaise agreed to continue following the bird as directly as they could.

A little later in the morning they saw a cottage in the middle of a large clearing. The bird was perched on the roof.

"Someone has far too much time on their hands. Look how shiny it is," Seamus pointed.

"Oi!" Blaise walked up to the cottage. "This is a bloody candy house!" He broke off a bit of the roof. "See? Cake!" He ate some. "Actually, this is pretty good."

Seamus smashed a window and started eating it.

"What are you _doing_?" shouted Blaise.

Seamus grinned and held up a piece of the pane he was sucking on. "Spun sugar."

A faint voice called out:

"**Nibble nibble like a mouse**

**Who is nibbling at my house?"**

Blaise glanced sideways at Seamus. He really was adorable, trying to eat a piece of window that was bigger than his mouth. Blaise had been eyeing Seamus for a while now. Hell, why else would he have followed the bloke into the woods if not hoping for--?

He might as well…there was no one else around…

The thin voice called again, a little louder and more pointedly:

"**Nibble nibble like a mouse**

**Who is nibbling at my house?"**

"Seamus," said a husky voice next to Seamus' ear. Warm breath ghosted across the back of his neck. He felt an arm snake sensuously around his waist and dropped the window pane in surprise.

"What?" he asked, twisting around to face a grinning Blaise.

Damn, thought Blaise. I hadn't thought past this point. No help for it. I'll have to skip the witty banter and go straight to the snogging. Such a pity.

"What are you sniggering about?" asked Seamus.

_Ooh…yeah…forgot about that…_Blaise gave himself a mental smack.

Seamus was about to ask again when he found himself being cut off by Blaise's lips. Seamus, surprised again, opened his mouth and Blaise took full advantage, causing very interesting things to happen to Seamus' stomach and certain southern areas. Seamus tasted chocolate. Blaise tasted sugar sweeter than any sugar had a right to be, but it was Seamus' mouth after all, he figured.

Blaise backed Seamus up against the candy house, one knee between Seamus' legs. Blaise's hands were wandering under Seamus' shirt and were quite happy to discover and claim deliciously warm skin. Seamus had one hand fisted in Blaise's soft black hair and his other arm wrapped tightly around Blaise's slim waist.

The thin voice sounded downright irritated now as it called out a third time:

"**Nibble nibble like a mouse**

**Who is nibbling at my house?"**

Blaise did something _very_ interesting with his tongue and teeth that got a muffled moan from Seamus. Blaise grinned and ground his hips even more into Seamus'. He started kissing Seamus down the side of his neck. Seamus bit back a mewl as Blaise--

"**NIBBLE NIBBLE LIKE A MOUSE, **

**WHO THE HELL IS EATING MY HOUSE?"**

screeched the voice. The door to the cottage was thrown open and knocked the young men over. Blaise landed hard on his back (no pun int--heh. Of course there was.) with Seamus sprawled on top of him and a very angry, very ugly old baggage with a crutch standing over them.

"Erm, would you believe it was the wind…?" Blaise tried with a disarming smile. It didn't quite work because Seamus was sucking on his neck.

The crone softened. At last, the right line!

"**Ah, my dear children, how come you here? You must come indoors and stay with me, you will be no trouble,"** she intoned.

So she picked Seamus up quite bodily for someone who supposedly needed a crutch and took each of them by the hand and lead them inside. The young men found a fabulous meal laid out, all with milk and pancakes and sugar and apples and nuts and cake and so forth.

Blaise declined. "I'll eat later," he said, winking at Seamus. Seamus snickered.

The old woman glowered.

"**EAT! NOW!"** she shouted. My goodness, but these two were not following the script at all!

The young men, cowed by her tone, sat down and picked meekly at their food.

She beamed. Much better.

When they had finished eating, she led them to a room with two little white beds in it. She tucked Seamus in one and Blaise in the other. No sooner was she out the door but Blaise felt someone sneak into bed with him.

"Blaise?" breathed Seamus. Blaise grinned in the dark.

Unbeknownst to them, the old woman was really a fairy-tale wicked witch, red eyes, bad vision, keen sense of smell, preference towards cannibalism and all.

"**Oh, what a feast I shall have. Plenty of meat on those two boys,"** she said to herself.

The next morning, before Blaise and Seamus woke up, she snuck back into their room.

Her jaw dropped. Seamus was snuggled up with Blaise, both boys were shirtless and their lips were _quite_ swollen. They had their arms around each other and no, their jeans did stay on and the zippers stayed zipped the entire night.

She blinked, and walked out of the room. She rubber her eyes and walked back in.

This process was repeated several times. During the last repetition Blaise woke up.

He sat up with a start, looking around wildly. He felt something in bed with him. Blaise looked down, saw Seamus, yelped and fell off the bed.

Which woke up Seamus. He shot up and looked wildly around as Blaise had done. He started to walk across to the witch, but tripped over Blaise and fell sprawled across him for the second time in two days.

The witch strode over and yanked him off before the two could engage in another full-blown make-out session like they had the previous day.

"**Right, one of you horny brats is going in a cage and the other is being kept far, far away. Let's go, you."** She grabbed Blaise and dragged him over to a huge cage.

"Oi! Lemme go, you kinky old bint!" Blaise shouted, wriggling to try to loosen her grasp on his arm. Seamus was attempting to pry her fingers apart.

The three struggled like this for about ten minutes, with no luck on either side. Without warning, the witch let go and plopped down, bursting into tears.

"**You don't know what it's like!"** she wailed, sniffling. **"Being all alone in the middle of the woods, with bad eyesight, an ugly eye colour, a tendency towards cannibalism, being old and ugly--" **Blaise offered her a Kleenex from the table in the hallway.

"**Thank you,"** she sniffled, wiping her eyes. She sighed. **"What am I supposed to do?"**

Seamus and Blaise exchanged looks.

"Well," began Blaise. "Do you have a wand?" The witch waved a hand vaguely.

"**Somewhere in the storerooms, dear."**

Blaise hurried off to find a wand and Seamus stayed to comfort the witch. After a quick search, Blaise discovered a wand behind a chest of pearls and precious stones, much like the ones scattered about the rest of the house.

He hurried back to the witch to find Seamus explaining the benefits of delivery pizza.

"…and if you're lucky, the pizza guy is sometimes really gorgeous!" he finished triumphantly. The witch was nodding thoughtfully.

"**You know, that doesn't seem like a bad idea,"** she mused. **"Oh! There you are, Blaise. Seamus here was telling me all about you, you lucky young man."** She patted Seamus on the head fondly and missed, but soon found the general area. **"What a sweet boy Seamus is,"** she said, beaming. **"My name is Beth, by the way. You can call me Auntie Beth."**

"Err, ma'am, you're patting the vase…"

"**Oh, yes, of course. Foolish me. I'm terribly sorry, but my eyes--"**

Blaise held up the wand in triumph. "Ma'am, I think we can help you."

Two hours later, the witch was a new woman. Her warts, boils, and other unsightly skin conditions were magicked away and so were some extra pounds that she'd put on over the years. Living in a candy house is not without its temptations.

She had a new wardrobe, a directory with Seamus' favourite pizza place circled, and fashionable glasses suited perfectly to her age and complexion. Seamus nicked some of Ginny's makeup, figuring the tart could do with a bit less, and taught the witch how to apply eyeliner.

"You needn't smear yourself with makeup like that slag Weasley does," Blaise told the witch. "But a bit of eyeliner can do wonders for one's looks. I wear it all the time. This green would look quite pretty with your eyes, now that we've gotten rid of that severe pink-eye." He handed her a mermaid's-tail green and helped her put some on. He held up the mirror so she could see herself.

"**I look marvellous!"** she exclaimed happily. **"And I think I may take up jogging like you suggested, my dear,"** she added, patting Seamus on the head. **"It's certainly done you a lot of good. I think it's just the thing to give me a bit of a spring in my step at my age."**

She got up and twirled around. She was just as tall as before, but of a comfortable chubbiness rather than the slightly fat figure she'd had before and with very pretty amber eyes. Her hair was a lovely, curly black with plenty of bounce. Blaise had nicked some of Draco's shampoo and the boys had sent her to take a soothing bubble bath while they worked on her wardrobe. She was dressed in a sensible but stylish pair of old person's jeans and a cheerful green sweater.

"**Thank you so much, boys!"** she exclaimed as she enveloped them in a huge hug. **"As thanks, I shall get my birds to drop you off at the castle. If you ever need me to help in return, just send me a letter!"** The boys insisted that if she needed a helping hand to call on them any time.** "Ooh, aren't you sweet! Here, Seamus, you may have Elsie as a pet--"** she handed Seamus a pretty merlin. **"and Blaise, dear, you may have Johanna."**

She gave them each a trunk of pearls and precious stones and sent them on their merry way with a hug, a grandmotherly kiss, and a few cookies and sweets for the journey.

"Bye, Auntie Beth!" the boys called fondly as they were carried to the castle by the very same birds that had dropped leaves on them their dirst night in the forest.

Several weeks later, one Saturday morning, Blaise marched over to the Gryffindor table and plopped down next to his boyfriend. "Look at this," he growled. "Some absolute gits, Hansel and Grethel, have been causing trouble in Auntie Beth's neck of the woods."

Seamus looked up with an equally protective gleam in his eyes.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yes, but we should really wait to bang until _after_ we finish helping Auntie Beth!"

Seamus smacked him lightly. "Ready, though?"

Blaise wore a feral grin. "Let's get 'em," he crooned.

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As always, I will love you forever and always (restrictions may apply) if you review. PLEEEEEASE! I beg shamelessly at your feet! 


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